After sexual addiction almost took his life and marriage, Jason was called to help other men. He received a Bachelors degree in Finance from the University of Oklahoma and worked in the corporate world for companies such as Arthur Andersen, Interstate Batteries and Blockbuster Video. God called him into ministry and back to school where he received a Masters in Counseling from Denver Seminary. Today he is the national speaker for Every Man’s Battle and President of Redemptive Living, a Denver-based counseling and speaking ministry dedicated to helping men with sexual integrity issues.
It started when I was 11. I was introduced to pornography. I felt two strong emotions simultaneously: Excitement and Guilt. I liked what I saw, but I felt like I shouldn’t be seeing it. No one had told me it was wrong; I didn’t grow up in church. It just felt wrong.
I gave my life to Christ at 16. A girl I was dating and her family led me there. I was taught that anything sexual was wrong. Period.
In high school I would seek out porn. It was available on the television and on the computer. My dating relationships became physical too. In hindsight, I can see the roots of addiction taking hold. A couple of classic indicators were evident; I didn’t like what I was doing but couldn’t stop and afterwards I would always feel guilt and shame. There were nights I would drive home at 2 a.m., beating my fists against the steering wheel, screaming, “WHY CAN’T I STOP?”. I knew what I was doing was wrong and damaging to both of us. I knew it was disrespectful and defiling something sacred. But I couldn’t stop.
I believed distance would end the issues when I moved off to college. I found more porn and other women there too. Off and on through college I was connected with great, God-honoring men who cared about my life. During those times I didn’t really struggle with sexual integrity issues. It was when I was disconnected that I struggled.
My last semester of college I was engaged to be married. I was isolated, alone and heavily into chat rooms and pornography. I ended up meeting someone from the internet.
I believed getting married would cure my problems. Sure enough it did…..for about 3 months.
I had several affairs. She had no clue. God was no where to be found.
I was becoming more divided. I was Jekyll and Hyde. With each encounter, with each degrading picture, I was becoming further divided. Around my wife and people we knew I was one man; by myself or out of town on business I was someone completely different. I hated the duplicity. But I couldn’t seem to stop it.
I became suicidal. At about midnight on a north Dallas highway, I was on the verge of driving my truck off the highway at 75 mph. I knew God had left me. I knew my wife would leave me when she found out. I knew it was only a matter of time before the truth came out, but I wasn’t about to tell anyone. I slammed on the breaks in the middle of the highway, slamming my fists against the steering wheel screaming, “WHY CAN’T I STOP?”
I was addicted.
It began to rule my life. I would fly into a city on business at 7 a.m., spend the day with clients and arrive at my hotel at 9 p.m. Within minutes, I would be online looking at pornography and chatting. In the middle of the night I would leave and meet someone from the internet. When I returned, within minutes, I was back online looking at pornography and chatting. The sun would come up, I would get ready for the day, and do it over again. Sometimes for several days in a row.
The weight of this thing hit me one morning in the shower. I had lost a couple of jobs, lacked any integrity, wrecked my marriage, pissed-off God enough to abandon me, and was completely devoid of hope. I broke down. I fell to the bottom of the shower into a puddle of soapy water, tears and vomit. Some people call it “hitting rock-bottom”. I cried out to God in a way unlike any of the previous bazillion times.
I told him I didn’t care what I had to lose, who had to know, or what it would cost but I had to have him back. I had to be free. He said “Okay”.
Unbeknownst to me, my wife would find a breadcrumb trail of clues over the following couple of weeks. Receipts, cell phone records, calls from random people. I came in from a business trip and she confronted me. Unlike any other conversation, ever, she confronted me with truth about my life. And the wreckage it was doing to hers.
It was the beginning of the end.
I subsequently came clean. I confessed everything I could possibly think of that I had done. Everything. She seemed more hardened and numbed by each new piece of information. I knew she would leave me when she heard the whole truth.
That confession began recovery for me. I got connected with a phenomenal counselor, became accountable to godly men who cared about my life, recommitted to church and the Lord. I began the process of uncovering why, for so long, I hated what I was doing but couldn’t stop. I got to the root of what was driving me to be this way. I finally started to close the divide between who I was and who I wanted to be.
My wife stayed with me. In the most incredible display of Christ-likeness, she decided after 13 months to forgive me.
God called me out of the corporate world and into the ministry at Every Man’s Battle.
He called me to tell people about this.
He called me to be a counselor to help other men.
Today I am thankful. Washed clean by the blood of Christ. No longer bound by the yoke of slavery that is sexual addiction. But, I know I am one bad choice away from being right back in the middle of it.
Today, by the grace of God, I am free.